How to Get Rid of Doubts

Today, in part 7 of the self-esteem mini-course, I would like to talk about doubts, the killers of self-esteem, and the role parents can play in filling up doubt-holes with confidence.

My hope is that if you want your kids to have high self-esteem, you will shift your focus from your kids to yourself. Because your attitude as a parent is the key to raising happy, confident kids with high self-esteem.

Parents who drink are more likely to raise kids who grow up to be drinkers. Parents who gamble are more likely to raise kids who grow up to gamble themselves. Therefore, parents with doubts and low self-esteem are more likely to raise kids with low self-esteem.

I believe this cycle needs to end.

This post is part 7 of 20 in the series Self Esteem Mini-Course

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5 Common Parenting Mistakes

When I decided to write the post, after many requests, I was not sure if I should call it “5 Common Parenting Mistakes”. You see, calling something a mistake is a form of judgment, like saying there is a right way to do something.

But I do not believe there is a right way. I think there are many ways and they need to suit the person who implements them.

When I studied my Special Education degree, I learned hundreds, if not thousands, of education and psychology theories. It may sound surprising to you, but some of them were in contradiction with others.

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Sleep Over All Year Round

I remember the days before we bought our second home. Our family told us to buy a place that would fit all our kids into it. Our daughter Eden was just 1 year old and we fell into that trap of thinking 15 years ahead. We never thought about sleep over mania.

The place we bought was a huge apartment with a special room for a teenager. We lived there for about a year and a half and the spare rooms stood empty all this time.

Gal and I, not really having our own rooms most of our childhoods, really wanted our kids to have their own separate rooms. So whenever we moved (by the time Eden was 19, she had lived in 17 different homes), we looked for a house that had space for each of the kids, but things did not work out as we expected.

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Hugging Babies is Not Enough

Last week, after posting Self Esteem Mini-Course (part 6), I got this comment from Chuck Bluestein referring to his post called What Causes a Lack of Self-Esteem in Americans. According to Chuck, the lack of physical touch in infants is the source of the problem. In short, we are not hugging babies enough.

Well, Chuck, I agree with you that physical touch is essential for kids’ physical and emotional growth. I even think that parents who think they are “spoiling” their babies by holding them in their hands are being unreasonable.

Yes, babies need hugging and touching. But the real problem in our society starts when they grow a bit and Mom and Dad think it is inappropriate to touch them anymore. It reached a stage where grown-ups who lived together in the same house for years shake hands when they see each other.

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Little MacGyvers: Kids Who Talk to Themselves

Little boy talking to his image in a mirror

When I sit in my car, driving the kids to school or just on my way to the supermarket, I like watching people in their cars. Some funny people talk to themselves. Yes, I know. It may look like they are on the phone, but I am talking about the crazy people that actually talk to themselves.

I call these people “MacGyvers”. Do you remember the TV series with this guy who was narrating the whole time? We heard his thoughts all the time wherever he went.

This happens to me a lot. I see people on the street moving their lips while they walk. As funny as it looks, these people have an advantage.

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Whose Turn Is It to Wash the Dishes?

Many of the conflicts between parents and kids are related to household chores. What usually happens is that parents are (of course) responsible for the household chores and find it very difficult to handle everything by themselves, so they ask the kids to share the load of cleaning and taking care of the house.

In the stereotypical house, Mom is in charge of what happens inside the house: cleaning, washing and feeding, while Dad is mostly in charge of what happens outside: swimming pool, fixing and mowing. I believe that this separation of responsibilities is the source of the conflict between parents and kids. If one parent needs to do one thing and the other is the other, where is the sense of togetherness and where is the sharing?

I remember my childhood years, when cleaning the house was no fun at all. My mom left for work very early, my dad worked two jobs and we had to clean the house, over which we had many, many fights.

Fighting over who was going to wash the dishes was the “story” of my family. We would hate each other, tell on each other, fight and cry just to avoid washing or cleaning. There were five of us and even now, 30 years later, we all remember the nasty fights over house chores.

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100 Questions You Should Ask Yourself as a Parent

My mother-in-law once said to me that most people do not have a parenting philosophy. First they act and than they find reasons to support their actions. I was a young mother when she told me this and an educator and the philosophy of education was something I did every day and every hour and it was hard for me to understand what she meant.

In my parent coaching program, I can see every session what she meant. When I ask parents why they do things, most of them do not have answers. They either do not think about it or thought about it and picked the easy way – easy but painful in the long run.

There is a big correlation between having a parenting philosophy and having a happy family life and successful kids.

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Are Your Kids All The Same?

Kids in every family are different and this is a fact. Sometimes, when you try to find the formula for a certain behavior, it is hard to take one type of behavior from one kid and expect it from another one. You can’t even expect twins to behave the same because of a different dynamic between them and the different reaction of society towards them.

Many parents find it challenging to deal with different kids in the house because of the expectation that kids all behave the same.

Many parents in my parent coaching program talk about the differences in their kids’ behavior. I explain that the reason they have difficulties has nothing to do with the kids but something to do with the parents. Kids are not supposed to behave the same.

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14 Ways to Teach Your Kids Resilience

As much as we would like to defend our kids from the difficulties in life, from experiencing crisis, change or loss, we cannot! However, we can give our kids the tools to recover from difficult times when those hit.

Many people say to me, “They are just kids. What horrible things can possibly happens to them?”

My answer is, “Let’s not wait to find out”.

For children, what seems like a simple thing might be a horrible problem. We have good friends whose 18-year-old son took a gun and shot himself in the head because he was not accepted to the course he wanted.

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Research Says: Friends Improve Sibling Relationships

Family Matters says: your attitude can improve them even more.

In psychological studies, the age gap between siblings is very important and is used to explain many behaviors and relationships. Can you imagine yourself lying on the shrink’s sofa and complaining about your brother who came into your life too early and took all the attention away from you?

In a research published by the Journal of Family Psychology, Dr. Laurie Kramer, professor of applied family studies at the University of Illinois, followed 28 sibling pairs from the age of 4 to adolescence and found that “a child’s socialization with friends before the arrival of a sibling can predict a more positive relationship between the siblings”.

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How to Get Rid of Doubts

5 Common Parenting Mistakes

Sleep Over All Year Round

Hugging Babies is Not Enough

Little MacGyvers: Kids Who Talk to Themselves

Whose Turn Is It to Wash the Dishes?

100 Questions You Should Ask Yourself as a Parent

Are Your Kids All The Same?

14 Ways to Teach Your Kids Resilience

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