Couple walking in the rain Last week, we talked about how every person has “musts”, things they absolutely cannot live without. It is important for each person in a couple to know their partner’s “musts” before they decide to move in together, to get married or to have kids. This week, I thought I would give you a list of questions to help you along your journey. This list includes questions about relationships, everyday life, family background and friends.

This list is very important to use in different relationship situations:

Before moving in with someone.
Before marriage.
Before deciding to have kids.
On anniversaries – in order to update each other about the ways we have changed.
When experiencing relationship conflict.
Before making the decision to break up a partnership.

There are a few rules to remember when asking these questions. This will make the question and answer process more effective and successful:

It is not an investigation; it is an opportunity to talk about things.
Do not judge. Welcome any information that will help you and your partner find out what is important to each of you.
I suggest you ask one question at a time, and then each give your answer to it before moving on to the next one.
Try not to make a big fuss out of every answer. Let it sink in. Whenever we have a conversation with someone, especially someone close to us, we tend to think about how the things they are saying will affect us. We interpret the things they say depending on our mood, upbringing, beliefs and mindset. Sometimes it may mean nothing at all for us, our partner or our future together. Let the information sink in. If after a week or two it is still bothering you, ask more questions about it.
Find a quite time to do this. Never do it when you are in conflict. When people are under pressure, their answers are not a true reflection of who they are. They do not consider what they are saying and all kinds of things come out.
Do not try to cover all the questions at once. Agree on what is most important to discuss depending on the specific stage of life you are in. You can priorities and cover one topic at a time.
Make sure the information being disclosed is confidential. If you want to have a relationship with someone who shares personal things with you, it is not wise to share it with anyone else without seeking their permission. Try to be discreet about it. Do not rush off to share it with friends and never (and I mean never!) post any of the information on Facebook. I have had client who ruined their relationship over Facebook usage. This is not a good way to check if your relationship is working.
If your partner is physically far from you, you probably need to cover more questions in more details. You can do it over the phone or over email. There are advantages and disadvantages to this. You have more time to think about what you want to say, but you cannot have a flowing conversation and you cannot see your partner’s physical cues. Do the best with what you have.
If you are having trouble discussing the sensitive things, find a non-judgmental and trustworthy third person to mediate. It is important for this person to accept you both the way you are. If this is not an option, get a life coach.

Questions

Relationships

Have you had any previous relationships?
If so, how many?
How long were they? The longest? Shortest?
What happened in those relationships?
Who ended the relationship and why?
How did you feel after the relationship ended?
How long after the relationship ended did you have a new partner?
Who was your first love?
Did you live with any of your partners? How long? How was it?
What good things did you take from each of those relationships?
Have you ever been married? If so, are you divorced or widowed?
Do you have children? If so, what is your relationship with them like?
What behaviors did you exhibit in your previous relationships that your partners did not like?
What behaviors did your partner exhibit that you did not like?
Do you tend to compare relationships?
Are you still in contact with any of your previous partners? In what way?
Have you ever cheated on your partner?
Do you think having a partner means you need to do everything together?
Do you think having a partner means you no longer need to have personal friends?
How often do you think a couple needs to see each other every week?
How long do you think a couple needs to go out before they start talking about moving in together/marriage/children?
What do you think couples should do together while dating?
As a couple, do you prefer an outing or a quiet evening together?

Every day life
Do you like to sleep in on the weekend or are you the kind of person who likes to wake up earlier so you can take advantage of having a day off?
Are you a morning or a night person?
How do you feel towards people who are late (e.g. to meetings or dates)?
How do you relax?
What is your favorite color?
What is your favorite season of the year?
Do you like to shower in the evening or the morning?
Do you like perfume?
How much do you sleep every night? Why?
Do you iron your clothes when they come out of the laundry or just before you wear them?
Do you like hugging and kissing?
When you are in conflict with your partner, do you tend to fight or withdraw?
What do you think about living together before marriage?
What makes you really angry?
What kind of people can’t you stand?
What drives you nuts?
What makes you most happy?
What do you do when you are happy?
Do you like walking around the house in your pyjamas or do you get dressed even when you are at home?
How do you celebrate achievements?
How do you react to disappointments?
What do you do when you are really angry?
What is your greatest fear?
How do you react when something horrible happens to you?
How do you argue?
What makes you feel safe?
What is your greatest strength?
What is your greatest weakness?
What is the thing that stands between you and your dream life?
What is your greatest desire or dream?
What would make you cry?
What would make you cry from joy?
What do you consider to be funny?
What makes you feel insecure?
Who are the people in your life that help you grow? Who are those who drain you?
What do you do when you are faced with a tough period?
Do you consider yourself an easy person? Will others agree with you?
Do you own a car?
Would you ever consider not having a car?
Is the year, make, and model of the car you drive important to you? Is your car your “castle”?
How and why would you choose a specific car?
What do you think about using public transportation?
How much time do you spend in your car?
Would you allow others to drive your car?
What do you think of women driving cars?
If you and your partner are in the car, who drives it?
How long is your daily commute? Is it by bus, train, car, or carpool?
Are you a good driver?
Have you ever received a speeding ticket?
What are your thoughts about drinking alcohol and driving?
What do you think about long rides in the car?

Family background
Are your parents alive?
Are they still together? If not, why? How long ago did they separate (whether through divorce or if one of them has passed away)?
Who are you closer to, mom or dad? Why?
Do you have siblings? What are their life circumstances (i.e. marriage, work, profession, housing, etc.)?
Who is the sibling you are closest to? Why?
Who is the sibling you are least close to?
How often do you see/communicate with your parents?
How often do you see/communicate with each of your siblings?
Are you happy with the time you spend with your family? Would you like to spend more/less? Why?
Are you or have you ever been alienated from your family? Why? What happened?
Who is the black sheep in your family?
Who is the most loved/appreciated/highly thought of in your family? Why?
Is there tension between members of your family? If so, why?
How did your parents settle conflicts when you were a child?
What is the thing you most appreciate about your parents?
What is the thing you most hate about your parents?
Do you have a difficult time setting limits with your family?
Is there anything with your family that may impact your relationship with partners?
Is there anything from your childhood that may be an obstacle in your relationship with a partner?
How have family members reacted to your previous relationships?
How important is it to you that you and your partner be on good terms with each other’s families?
Do people in your family carry long-term grudges?
How much influence do your parents still have over your decisions?
Was your family ever the reason you broke up a previous relationship?

Friends
How many friends do you have?
What is your definition of a good friend?
How do you know if a friend is a good friend?
Do you have a “best friend”?
Do you have a small group of friends or lots of friends?
What would make you think someone is not a good friend for you?
How often do you meet your friends? Talk to them on the phone?
What do you do together?
If your friends need you, are you there for them?
Are your friends there for you if you need them?
Are your friendships as important to you as your life partner is?
Is it important to you that your partner likes and accepts your friends?
How did your friends react to your previous relationships?
How did your previous partners related to your friends?
Do you think you and your partner have friends in common?
What do you think your partner should do with his friends once you are both living together/married?
Do you have a difficult time setting limits with friends?

These questions are a good start for you to find out about your partner. Join me next week for questions about appearance, health, work and money.

Have a smooth and insightful question time,
Ronit

This post is part of the series Know Your Partner:

Know Your Partner: Musts

Any relationship is a form of agreement between two or more people. The deeper the relationship, the more things you will need to agree on for your relationship to stay positive. Some relationships, like marriage and having children together, are more important than others. They have a huge impact on…

April 23, 2013

In "Relationships / Marriage"

Know Your Partner: Appearance, Work, Money and Health

Welcome to the third installment of "Know Your Partner". In this series war are talking about questions you and your partner should discuss before you move in together, get married or have kids. These questions will help you find your partner's "musts". To read more about "musts", check out Know…

May 7, 2013

In "Relationships / Marriage"

Know Your Partner: Attitudes About Gender and Sex

You cannot truly know your partner without discussing beliefs about gender and sex. Even in our modern society, these topics are not easy to talk about, but are very important. Our attitudes towards gender and sex stem from our childhoods. Sometimes it is because of something we hated and sometimes…

June 4, 2013

In "Relationships / Marriage"